How to Minimize Flaking in Your Dating Life…and Not Let Flakes Drive You Absolutely Insane

Flakes. I can’t think of another topic that gets men more upset when it comes to dating.

You approach. You do the work. You get her number. You text her. You’re charming. She’s getting quality attention and validation from you, even as you keep your game tight. You schedule a date. You block out the time on you calendar which is time you could have used to date another girl instead.

And then….

She texts you right before that she can’t make it based on some lame excuse.

Or worse yet you show up to the date venue and she never does.

Is there anything more frustrating?

Not so great actually…

Last week for example I had 3 flakes out of 6 dates scheduled. And 2 of the 3 girls who didn’t flake were regulars.

Keep in mind I’m in my mid 40’s and these girls are in the 18-23 year old range, and in an American city where there are quite a bit more men than women. I’ve found flake rates go way down with women closer to you in age as well as in cities with a better ratio.

Yes women are random and some of the flaking is due to random shit that comes up. But there’s also a method to the randomness. Girls are filtering for their best option, both between men as well as social options.

Girl subconsciously filter men based on their internal character – is he good enough to get past my roadblocks? And girls “womb guard”. They know if you spend enough time with them alone there’s a chance you’ll put your DNA in her so subconsciously they need to feel you are worthy.

Women also are constantly considering you against the other men she has access to and frankly you need her to feel you’re her best option.

So what’s a man to do?

There will always be a degree of flaking in your dating life. It’s unavoidable. But in my experience the best approach is twofold:

  1. Be the best alternative you can be compared to all her other options
  2. Have an alternative as good as a date with her in the event she flakes

Let me break it down.

1. Being her best alternative is something you can influence, but can’t control.  You do this through standard game techniques:

  • Ping text a few hours after you get her number (her response here is one of the biggest indicators you’ll get of her interest).
  • Try to minimize time between when you get her number and when you schedule the date.   For every day between your odds of flaking go up.
  • Once your date is scheduled, continue to text her every 1-2 days to keep her interested.  Mix it up and keep it interesting.  Share “windows to your world” (mini DHV’s).  Mildly tease her and occasionally spike things up.  Avoid becoming her text buddy but give her enough to remember the real person you are.  This means combining attraction and comfort material.
  • If you meet her online, or if it will be a few days before you can actually meet, suggest a short phone or video chat.  Keep it short (less than 10 minutes), tease her but also throw in comfort.  This is essentially a mini first date.  Be sure to be the one to end the call first (you’re a man in demand).
  • Send a reminder text the day before or the day of the date.   Don’t ask “are we still on?”  That is weak.  Instead show confidence that she will be there with something like, “Hey miss trouble.  Looking forward to meeting you tomorrow at Bar X at 9.  Be sure to dress cute, so we match ;)”  (hat tip Krauser).
  • Schedule dates for times when girls have less alternative activities.  My favorite nights for first dates are Tuesday and Wednesday, followed by Monday.  Girls like to lay low Sunday night (high flake rate) and Thursday through Saturday night are often out with friends to bars or dating other guys they know better.  I tend to schedule dates for girls I haven’t yet fucked for Monday – Wednesday and for regulars Thursday through Saturday.
  • Keep in mind I mostly date women 18-23.  Older women may only be free Thursday – Saturday night due to responsibilities.  So know your target demographic and the times when they are most free.
  • There are times of the year when women flake more or are less interested in meeting new men.  Summer (especially August) is a horrible time to get girls out because of constant parties and travel.  Likewise the holidays are the worst time of year for meeting and gaming new girls.
  • Conversely, January through March and also September through October are my absolute favorite times to game.  Girls are back in school from holidays and travel, and are often looking to meet new guys as they shed their last relationship.  There’s an annual ebb and flow.
  • Some girls have random schedules, so flexibility helps.  If you can, be willing to do afternoon coffee dates or drinks at random times.
  • Double book.  If you’re on a trip and only have a few nights in town, or if your city is especially flaky for some reason, double book.  Worst case you end up having to be the one that flakes (happened to me on a NYC trip this year). 
  • You can stagger dates.  Fore example you can have a Friday date #1 afternoon coffee date, Friday date #2 drinks at 6pm, and a Friday date #3 drinks at 8:30pm.  If one or even two flake it’s no big deal.
  • I find younger women (18-23) are more flakey than older women.  In part because they’re young but also in part because the prospect of meeting an established older man makes them nervous, even if they’re highly attracted.  It’s out of their comfort zone.  To balance this out, consider doing a bit more texting and comfort with girls much younger than you.  I don’t recommend sexual escalation with younger girls until you’ve already done attraction and comfort with them in person on a date and are ready to isolate for the close.  
  • Don’t get too sexual before the first date, especially if you meet her online.  It’s often a thirst trap.  I find it’s far better to mix teasing and fun banter with comfort and DHV’s.  Save the sexting for girls you’re already fucking.
  • Don’t get too invested in any one girl.  Yes you will like some more than others.  But dating is a numbers game and you can control the process but not the outcome with any one girl (Dating is a pipeline just like the sales pipeline in business – since I started tracking in 2016 I’ve had dates with 35% of the girls I got a number from and I’ve had sex with 33% of the girls I’ve had a date with.)

I’d welcome your additional thoughts and tactics in the comments.

* Your results may vary…

Doing those things will help reduce the odds of flakes, but even at best you can only influence things. Flakes will happen.

But there’s a much larger element that you can directly control that will determine how frustrated you actually are when the inevitable flakes happen. Which brings me to:

2. Have an alternative as good as a date with her in the event she flakes

Have important goals in your life beyond girls. If the only thing you’ve got going on in your life besides a boring day job is banging girls on the side, of course you’re going to get upset when the girls fall through.

Instead, set meaningful goals and have outside interests beyond paying the bills and dating. This could be building up a side business, writing a book, DJ-ing at local clubs, or spending time with family and friends. Whatever your goals are, they have to be meaningful to you and inspire passion.

The point is to have a larger life than just girls. You want to be at a place in your life where if a girl flakes on a given night you can say to yourself, “cool, now I can keep working on project xyz instead”.

Personally I view women like good nutrition. If you’re bad with women you will not be happy, just like if you don’t eat well you will look like shit. But being good with women and having them in your life, although extremely rewarding, is not enough on its own to make you happy. Just like having good nutrition and a good physique is not enough by itself. You need a well rounded life to be happy.

Finally, it helps to have regular girls. The three flakes I experienced last week would have been much more painful if I didn’t have dates lined up with my two regulars where I knew I’d be getting plenty of sex. Yes it’s easier said than done, but here’s my post on how to best keep women in your life on an ongoing basis.

Calibration and Game

G’s Up Ho’s Down

One of the most commonly misunderstood areas of game is calibration. In particular, how do you adjust your game based on how the girl sees you at a given moment in time.

Understanding this is key to knowing which game tactics to use as part of your leadership of the seduction dance.

If you haven’t read Mystery Method yet by all means start there. Understanding the basic Attraction -> Comfort -> Seduction model is fundamental to game.

Most guys get the model. But with experience you also learn that in real life the process isn’t linear like the model. You don’t necessary go directly through each of the boxes Mystery lays out in the model one by one. Instead you fractionate between the various steps depending on where you are with the girl.

As Nash rightly points out you need to look at the guy/girl/context. The game you play will always depend on that context.

Mystery developed his method from doing night game in LA in the early 2000’s. That is just one context. A context where the girls have a high opinion of themselves from getting constantly approached. And being in LA the girls are also on the lookout for celebrities and other very high status men at the clubs, so they’re quick to filter and dismiss guys who don’t meet this standard.

Consequently classic mystery method assumes she considers her value higher than yours and so you in response you do things like:

  • Work the venue first to establish your value via social proof and pre-selection (she needs to see you’re a fun guy who women like being around and who men instinctively follow).
  • Open indirect (don’t show too much interest).
  • If needed neg her (remember – a neg is not an insult but rather a neutral comment that can be interpreted positively or negatively, and so the ambiguity makes her wonder about herself).

Do this successfully, and assuming you’re a reasonably attractive guy physically relative to the girl, you’ll have successfully build up her perceived value of you while perhaps knocking down her off her pedestal a bit.

Once you’ve done the work in the attraction phase then you proceed to ground the interaction by bouncing to another spot and building comfort, with the intent to extract later for seduction.

That method works. And they will work in most contexts because in the majority of cases women will perceive their value as higher than the value of most men.

G’z up Ho’s Down

But what if you’re a man who has game, and/or has built your value over time, and/or have a lot of social proof in the situation, and/or maybe you’re traveling to a country where for whatever reason you’re perceived as “shiny” compared to the majority of local men?

What if she sees you has higher value than her from the start?

In this case where a girl perceives your value is higher than hers and you come in with a neg she may take it poorly and feel that you’re insulting her. Spend too much building yourself up with DHV stories and she may see you as way out of her league.

This can often lead to her not wanting to get pump and dumped, or even being more bitchy to you because she thinks you’re only pretending to like her for an easy lay.

In these cases you take a softer approach with more comfort, as the attraction is already well established:

  • You show genuine interest in her and build connection.
  • You throw in the occasional tease or push to keep things flirty but these are more gentle.
  • Your main work is narrowing her perceived gap in your value so that you are still higher than her, but not so high she will get crushed. This means you show more of your K selected side.

Obviously the second case is much less common but it does happen.

I choose two extreme examples to illustrate the point. In reality this is an ongoing calibration you need to do in your interactions with women.

The point is there is an overall sweet spot. Women date up. You have to ensure she perceives your value as higher than hers, while at the same time if she perceives too big a gap she’ll likely withdraw to protect herself.

Be calibrated to where her perception is and you’ll know what elements of your game to bring to the situation.

If you have good game and a high intrinsic value (a goal for all of us) then you will find that after establishing the initial attraction you will spend more time in comfort (well named).

This goes true for ongoing relationships as well. Do behaviors that lower your value in her eyes and over time and she will lose attraction and stop seeing you. But if she sees your value getting higher than she’s comfortable with, you may find her creating drama, giving you comfort tests, or other type of attention seeking behavior to reassure yourself.

In the interest of completely nerding out, I’ve drafted a matrix to further illustrate. Enjoy:

Gaming Her ValueGaming Your Value
She sees herself as higher value – Neg
– Tease
– Disqualify her
– Social proof
– pre-selection
– DHV stories about how awesome you are
– Qualify her
She sees you as higher value– Compliment her (this is where a lot of guys find that “beta” game works when traveling to non-western countries)
– Future projection
– “Romantic” behaviors (this is the quadrant where a lot of girl advice on dating to men comes from, as women want to be dating men higher value than them)
– Provide comfort
– DHV with stories about how you support family

Again, you want to keep yourself in the “sweet spot” of her perceiving you as higher value than herself, but not not unattainably so.

The Secret to Happiness – In Life and in Game

Habits of a Happy Brain is one of my recommended books for game. And with good reason. Loretta Bruening breaks down the four brain chemicals that make you happy.

This matters because my goal is life is to maximize by long term happiness. And so building a life for myself that maximizes my happiness in line with how the brain actually works is key to a life of success.

The four brain chemicals that make you happy are:

  1. Dopamine – produces the joy of finding things that meet your needs. This is the reward your brain produces when you achieve a goal.
  2. Endorphin – produces oblivion that masks pain—often called euphoria. This is the reward your brain produces in response to exercise.
  3. Oxytocin – produces the feeling of being safe with others. This is the reward your brain produces with pair bonding.
  4. Serotonin – produces the feeling of being respected by others—pride. This is the reward your brain produces when receiving esteem from others.

That is all we get. Your brain only has these four happiness chemicals.

And your brain only releases these happy chemicals when you take steps towards meeting your needs.

But the challenge with this is that your brain is always looking for the next great way to meet your needs. Old rewards, even creamy, delicious ones, don’t command your brain’s attention. This is called habituation.

I definitely didn’t make these up…

So why should we care?

Given the above and how the brain is wired, if we want consistent long term happiness in life we have to constantly be striving towards new goals and making progress in relationships.

It also means we have to constantly mix things up. We habituate quickly to too much of any one stimulus. There is no end game.

Use this knowledge as you will. We all have to find our own way in life, but I can share how I’ve applied this key learning to my own:

  1. Dopamine – the reward for hitting goals
    • Have a big, challenging but achievable mission in life that will take years to achieve.
    • Have daily and yearly goals against this mission, to feel the dopamine hits from regular progress.
    • Always be gaming new women. Even if I find the perfect relationship in life I’ll still need the enjoyment of closing new women.
  2. Endorphins – the euphoric recovery to pain
    • Work out regularly. Challenge my body several times a week to feel this reward in the recovery.
  3. Oxytocin – the reward for pair bonding
    • For me this means having one or more regular girls in my life. Women I actually enjoying spending time with beyond just sex.
    • There is a known players curse that if you just do sport fucks eventually you fall hard and get oneitis for a girl because you’ve been missing out on oxytocin. Don’t fall in to this trap, always have multiple women in your life and at least one that you like enough to pair bond with to some degree.
    • Cultivate non-sexual relationships with your family, your pets etc where you get pair-bonding beyond the women in your life. Like a portfolio the key is diversification and getting this from multiple sources and not just one.
  4. Serotonin – earned reward from respect
    • I’ve found this best comes as you earn respect from your peer group. Whether that’s being acknowledged as someone to go to for help and advice, or even by keeping a small blog like this one. Interacting with peers and receiving their genuine respect is the best way I know to earn this one.

The key thing to remember is that these happiness chemicals work just like exercise. You have to find multiple daily sources of all of these things, mixed up on a regular basis. One time events don’t cut it any more than doing one workout makes you fit for life. It has to be a habit.

In addition, you need to be getting your happiness from all four sources and not just one. That is why players who just focus on dopamine fueled rewards just from fucking new girls don’t find happiness and eventually burn out. Like a balanced diet you need multiple sources.

You can use this same happiness model with the women in your life that you want to retain. If you can regularly stimulate all of these happiness chemicals in a girl she will want to be in your life, and this is the secret to retention:

  1. Dopamine
    • Mix up your dates. Avoid doing the same activity twice, avoid taking her to the same place twice. Keep things fresh.
    • Future projection – (truthfully) give her detailed scenarios to image of the two of you in the future (for example a trip or future activity) and then over time fulfill the scenario. Give her that gift of anticipation.
    • Mix up the type of sex you give her. This can even be in the same session. Sometimes rough, sometimes emotional, sometimes in bed, sometimes in a public toilet. Always keep it fresh.
    • Give her the gift of missing you. Don’t text much when you’re not with her and only see her once a week or less.
  2. Endorphins
    • The rewards from endorphins explain why women enjoy rough sex and BDSM. I’ve yet to meet a girl who doesn’t love being fucked rough from time to time, if not every time. Be dominant and fuck her good.
  3. Oxytocin
    • If you want a girl to stick around for more than the occasional sport fuck, mix in cuddling and intimacy. This works best during the 20 minutes after sex. If you want her as a regular don’t just jump up after sex, cuddle and talk with her a bit afterwards. It’s a huge hit of oxytocin. If rough sex is the “push” cuddling afterwards is the “pull”.
  4. Seratonin
    • From time to time acknowledge her uniqueness or something she does that wins your approval. This has to be random to have the best effect. Don’t overdo it – think of Heartiste’s old rule of the golden ratio – giving her 2/3’s of everything she gives you.

There is a negative counterpoint to this as well. Just as doing the above stimulates your happiness chemicals, not doing the will make you unhappy.

So withdrawing attention and not doing the above for a woman will make her feel the loss of you, and crave having you back.

This is the “Push” in the push/pull dance that is game. It is necessary to avoid habituation. And as the man you need to lead this experience for her. It’s what she craves because it’s how her brain is wired.

And more importantly this means in life if you’re not working towards goals and making progress, not exercising regularly, not pair-bonding with key relationships, not gaming new girls, and not earning the esteem of your peers…..you will be unhappy.

We are wired to be rewarded for being high value.

Book Review: Girl Junkie

I’ve been following Krauser’s blog since 2009 or so, after Roissy first linked to it many years ago.  I’m sure most of my readers know and respect him.  He’s not only one of the best writers in game, but he also helped formalize the London daygame model which is the framework many of us use. 

I’ve learned a lot by reading Krauser over the years, and I’ve enjoyed reading all four of his memoir volumes.  Krauser highlighting up and coming daygame bloggers is also the reason I was able to connect with Nash at Days of Game, and I’m grateful for that as well.

So naturally I was looking forward to reading the 5th installment of his series, “Girl Junkie” which covers his exploits in 2015. 

Worth a read…

Having followed his blog all these years Krauser’s memoirs have been especially interesting because the give background and context to many of the stories he’s posted there. 

Each volume has delivered on its promise:  well told interesting stories that both entertain as well as deliver game tidbits and perspective by example. 

With each volume I find myself underling certain ideas and passages to bring into my own game toolkit.  

Girl Junkie continues with this streak and doesn’t disappoint. 

Having read the other four volumes over the last four years or so, it’s difficult to remember the differences between the books.  They’re all consistent Krauser.  With Girl Junkie what stands out to me as a long time Krauser reader is he has matured. 

There is less preening.  Even though Girl Junkie covers the most recent year of the five volumes, where Krauser’s game had continued to improve, in many ways he’s more humble in this book and from my read it seems to have a greater balances of both the frustrations and successes.  We all learn more from our failures and this makes for a more human and interesting read.

Krauser also raises some interesting questions on the players journey and whether it’s possible to go too far.  In the year of game he covers in this book he is all about fast escalation and the fast pull, often just for the sake of the dopamine rush it provides.  He knowingly burns a lot of leads he might have closed otherwise because he can’t be bothered to take more time on.  Most guys never get to this point, but it is a pitfall for long term players. 

He hints in the end at further changes, and I look forward to seeing if he explores this further.

Some of my favorite quotes of the book include:

  • “So long as you aren’t naive enough to invest emotions into your dealing with them, sluts are a lot of fun.  They can be amongst the most honest and direct girls you ever meet; so long as you’re the casual sex guy and not a potential husband.”
  • Specific examples of how he visualizes sexual scenes with girls on the street to increase his sexual intent as he goes to approach, improving results.
  • “Once you understand the concept of ‘frame’, you understand its power.  If you can direct your mind with the correct metaphors, that imagery will fill in all the blanks for you and power you through self-doubt.”
  • “We aren’t stealing anything (from the girl).  It’s the opposite, we are building up something special and offering girls an opportunity.”
  • Details of what caused the fall out between Krauser and Torero, from Krauser’s perspective.
  • Plenty of good examples of lines and tactics with girls.
  • Plenty of logistical details for Krakow, Warsaw, Prague, and Kiev for anyone who ever plans to game those cities.
  • “I believe a man shouldn’t burden others with his problems.  Part of being a man is carrying weight on your own shoulders.  It can be a tightrope with girls, to share enough of your inner world that they feel connection but to close off those insecurities and frustrations that would undermine her assessment of your confidence.”
  • “Her first response (or lack thereof) is the strongest single signal of how likely she is to fuck.” (referring to her first text response after the street number close).
  • “Something funny just occurred to me,” I said mid-way through a script that had actually occurred to me two years ago and had been carefully refined through practice ever since.  “isn’t it interesting that nobody even knows we met?  It’s like, everything we say and do is one big secret.”
  • “being a girl, she was fascinated by the sudden conviction with which I delivered the lecture.  I saw her eyes sparkle in sexual attraction.”
  • “Any time a girl chases you let her come.  Don’t snatch the reins and start leading.”

As the entertainment industry has become increasingly politically correct, I find there are less and less movies and books that I can actually enjoy.  They just don’t match reality. 

For a man that understands how the world works Krauser’s memoirs are a refreshing exception.  I enjoy the writing as entertainment, and there are plenty of golden nuggets of game that I took notes on as well to refine what I do.

Highly recommended.

Ongoing Adventures May – June 2019

Magnum’s ongoing adventures May-June 2019

I haven’t been posted much to this blog lately because I’ve been busy pursuing my big goals for the year.

I’ll update here a few memorable vignettes over the past few weeks rather than devote an entire post to each. Some of this I’ve tweeted real time, but here’s what’s been keeping me busy this spring.

I had some setbacks to my health issues in early February which caused me to step back a bit from game and increase my focus on developing and executing a get well plan. It’s a combination of multiple issues (all injury related – I’m a life long contact and endurance sport athlete).

As of late June I do feel I’m back on track. This setback led me to spend March in Europe and also get spine surgery at the end of May (which seems to be helping). I may need one or two more surgeries over the coming months.

The interesting thing is this setback didn’t seem to affect my regulars. I expected to lose some but things continued on the path they were on with my two main regulars even when I wasn’t 100%.

My take away is that strong frame and quality male attention are the bigger priorities for women, and throughout this time I’ve kept an optimistic, positive outlook with them and I believe that was key.

There was, however, a big drop off in my gaming of new girls after my January trip to New York.

Here’s some stats:

For the last six months of 2018 I did 35 first dates and closed 9 new girls (26%). This was from online game, so if I back out the ones I didn’t want to fuck after I met them the close rate was 64%.

For the first six months of 2019 I only did 19 first dates but I closed 7 of them, plus one long daygame lead from December (37% not including the long lead). The close rate was 70% after backing out the ones I didn’t want to fuck after meeting them.

Also a much higher percentage of they lays here in 2019 were first date lays (32% (6) of my total dates for first half 2019 vs 3% for 2nd half 2018). This is despite me publicly advocating a two date model.

So lower numbers overall due to injury but at the same time my game seems to be getting tighter and more “secret society“.

Here’s a few vignettes from the past six weeks or so:

Torture Garden: Imagine experiencing this on E while your girl’s wearing next to nothing and making out with you…
  1. After my late May surgery I had to take two weeks off of sex, and at the end of that time my two main regulars were traveling out of town. So I went through my old texts and re-opened a daygame lead I met while out daygaming with Nash back in December. I let the lead go cold in March while in Europe, but she was keen when I reopened her in early June and she agreed to meet for a midnight drink after her waitressing shift. After a drink I pulled her to my place nearby and we got down to it very quickly. 30 minutes of fucking and her phone starts blowing up. At this point it’s 2am and I could hear a young man’s voice on the phone – her boyfriend. She calmly told him she on her way home and then we resumed fucking until we finished. I told her it was no big deal, and meant it.
  2. Knowing I’d have a two week dry spell after my surgery I decided to enjoy the weekend prior as if I was going away to prison. I took artsy girl to a party that Thursday night and then enjoyed our weekly long fuck late into the night, spent Friday and Saturday riding a harley around the Marin headlands with Little Me with constant sex breaks at my place as well as sneaking ones in at hidden public places, and then spent Monday night with Santa Cruz girl who was my newest notch at the time. It felt good to do the things I wanted to with the girls I wanted to, completely on my terms.
  3. I cancelled plans an hour before a planned date and nexted Miss Singapore when she tried to take over the reins and veto the date I had planned.
  4. Had a pleasant coffee date with a very cute 19 year old with a sparkly, sexual energy in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday. Bounced her to my place for a makeout, but couldn’t get her past that. She responded positively to my feeler text the next day but then ghosted when I pitched a 2nd date (a trend for me this month….see below)
  5. Had three dates with a tall and sexy 27 year old yoga teacher but couldn’t get her back to my airbnb in New York. I’d have written her off after the 2nd date of not coming back, but she had brought me a gift on the 2nd date and I figured it was just a matter of time. Shouldn’t have broken my date rules, so turned out to be three wasted nights.
  6. Had a good first date with a cute 20 year old blonde in NYC who trains as a dancer. Bounced her to my place and had a good make out but wouldn’t go further. Again a positive response to my feeler text the next day but ghosted after I pitched the date.
  7. Met up with a cute 24 year old Korean girl from online. She tells me at the bar she has a boyfriend within a minute of meeting me. I told her that’s fine and game as usual. Bounced her to my place after two drinks. She refused my first attempt at a kiss but it wasn’t a big deal to me. I tried again 10 minutes later, quick make out on the couch and she’s asking me if I have condoms. After sex she tells me how she likes to take the anal virginity of all of her long term boyfriends (3 to date) using her fingers. She begs them until they give in. She doesn’t enjoy it but says she wants to take something from them no one else has (read: major shit test). We share a good laugh over it.
  8. Have a great afternoon of sex with the 18 year old I closed during my January trip to NYC, my first time with her since that trip. She has to rush home at 10pm so her mom doesn’t find out about our little fling.
  9. Have a fun date with a 22 year old New York model. Did drinks at two venues and bounced to my airbnb. She wouldn’t come up (photo shoot and TV audition the next day) but we make out late at night in the street. Again, a positive response to my feeler text the next day but ghosted after I pitched a date. This time I suspect it was “logistics fatigue” (an apt term Red Quest coined tonight over drinks here in NYC) in that she splits time in two different cities and my guess is the days I pitched didn’t work for her schedule. This was a shame because the chemistry was very good.
  10. Had a great birthday dinner with Runner, Highgame NYC, and J here in NYC. Was a great welcome to the city for my current trip here this June.
  11. Took Little Me to the Torture Garden party here in NYC (hat tip to Troy Francis). We were already feeling sexual after fucking before and after dinner, but this party took it up a notch. Finally an attractive BDSM crowd dressed very well with surreal acts being performed in a club like environment. The whole scene was cinematic. We both rolled at the party which kept us up fucking until 5am in the morning. We’ve been intentionally deepening our bond since the opening up we experienced on our acid trip back in February. Our bond was deepening before that but we’ve intentionally accelerated this year and it’s been a very positive experience.
  12. Pulled together a great dinner with Runner, Mr V, Longburnthefire, and J while in NYC. Also had a chance to meet up with Red Quest. Nothing beats getting together with like minded men.

So despite the health set backs it’s been a good spring. My overall take away is that frame really is king.

As always welcome your comments below.

Rules of Retention

@beamanforreal summed up in a tweet something I’ve been thinking about for a while:


Most guys are interested in Game 1.0. Simply getting the girl. Overall, very few guys get to the point where they can get laid with attractive new women consistently. And when guys get finally do get laid they tend to want to “lock her down” either out of scarcity or laziness.

Even players are known to get oneitis for a girl who’s “not like the rest” and want to settle down. It’s a natural tendency for most men at some point. It’s happened to me. But do it wrong and you lose the frame and become beta over time.

I’d say I’m solidly in Game 2.0 above, and starting to experiment with Game 3.0. I’ve been able to keep multiple women that I want to keep around on my own terms (Little me is 20 and have been seeing her for 2 years, artsy girl is 21 and have been seeing her for 1 year, the Singaporean is 29 and have been seeing her for 1 year, girls 4 & 6 from NYC last Feb are ready to meet when I return this summer, etc)

Here then are the rules I’ve developed for keeping the girls I want in my life. There’s a lot underneath and these things are an art and take practice:

  1. You have to have strong frame. She comes into your world or you next her. She has to feel this from you.
  2. You can’t give a fuck. You don’t get jealous or controlling. You have to be willing to walk at any time. You should truly feel that it’s her loss if she doesn’t see you or get time with you.
  3. You have to be sleeping with at least 1-2 other women. Women can tell when they’re your only source of pussy and it’s poison to the proper dynamic. This includes non-verbally letting them feel that you’re with other women but doing little things like living girl hair in your place.
  4. You have to maintain some mystery. Don’t overshare all the details of your life, save that for close friends. Keep her guessing. She has to wonder what you’re doing when you’re not around. Let her mind fill in the blanks.
  5. Being with you has to be a positive experience. Time spent with you is the reward. Mix it up and never do the same thing twice or go to the same places, do what you want to do, but keep things constantly fresh and exciting.
  6. Fuck her good and make her cum. Every time. Mix up the sex and keep it exciting. One time may be a marathon fuck around your place (not just the bedroom), another may be a quickie in a public restroom. One time tie her up and spank her before fucking her, another time keep it more emotional and connective. Again keep her guessing but feeling excitement.
  7. Don’t see them more than once a week. Less is often better. Mix it up and don’t see them the same day of each week every damn time (don’t let her think she’s your “Saturday girl” or whatever). Give her the gift of missing you between the amazing times together. Traveling helps with this, although if you let it go more than 2 weeks or so and you don’t have a strong bond you will lose some from your orbit.
  8. Don’t call or text her except to schedule the next date. I usually text and schedule dates with girls early in the week, and then confirm the day of. That’s it. She should be pinging you more than you ping her. If she’s the type to text you a lot take a day or two before replying once in a while. Your attention is a reward, dole it out randomly and sparingly and she will value it much more. There should be times when she doesn’t hear from you for 3-4 days or more.
  9. Never schedule the next date while you’re with her on the last one. End the date and leave her wondering when she’s going to see you again.
  10. Give her compliance tests that cause her to invest. Make her come to you. Make her bring a dessert when she comes over, or wear a particular thing or do her hair a certain way. Make her do whatever it is you want in the bedroom. Give her little homework assignments. Have her clean your apartment. Give her the gift of pleasing you. This is a foundation for the Game 3.0 above when you get girls to crave your pleasure.
  11. Every 1-2 months throw in a pinch of drama. This is advanced game and needs to be calibrated but if things get too comfortable the passion slides. I’ve had this come up naturally with certain events, but at other times I throw in a little as well to keep things spicey. Women crave and need a little drama just like they crave and need rough sex. You’re giving her a taste of what you want.
  12. There has to be times of genuine connection. It’s not worth bothering with the above if you don’t connect with the girl on a deeper level (for me it’s about 10% of girls, and then many of those I’ve dropped over time). This connection comes naturally so it isn’t so much something you do but something you both feel. But you can’t let it become oneitis or drop any of the above rules. Let her feel that this could grow, but then make her work for it and keep the rewards and progression random.

There’s more to it but I’m not going to put it all in a public blog. Welcome your thoughts and comments.

Having Kids on My Terms – Magnum’s 7 Point Checklist

It seems inevitable. With few exceptions when a player’s been in the game long enough, he starts thinking about settling down in some way or at least having kids.

Guys like Paul Janka have settled in to long term relationships to have kids, and even Krauser mentions in his latest video his goal now is to settle down and have a family.

Maybe there’s a male biological clock of some kind. Maybe the dopamine highs of fucking new girls fades, while at the same time players miss the oxytocin hits of pair-bonding. Or maybe there comes the inevitable realization that life is short and it’s time to leave a legacy of some kind.

Regardless the reason I believe it’s worth thinking about and planning for, so when the desire to have kids comes around you have a plan for how you’ll approach it.

The Red Quest has an excellent long post on his thoughts around having kids the red pill way. As a red pill player and father, I find he has a very good perspective and it’s got me thinking about the subject.

It’s clear that modern marriage in the West no longer works. With a marriage contract, you sign away the rights to have your assets if either of you decided to end it, with no upside.

If that’s not enough, my own experience from my 13 year marriage and the many relationships I’ve observed is that if you live together with a woman, her desire to have sex with you instinctively goes away after 2-3 years. In my experience as well this can be deferred if you don’t live with her and spend plenty of time apart.

I’m not yet at the point where I want to have kids. But one of my realizations on a recent acid trip is that I do want them at some point. I’d also say I have a keener understanding of my mortality than most do as well given my chronic pain and injuries that are a daily reminder I’m past my prime physically.

Modern marriage doesn’t work. Living together with a woman also doesn’t work, at least for me. So given all this, what’s the right structure in which to have a kid?

I believe there is no one answer and it depends on the man and what he wants. I don’t have it figured out, but my current thoughts are this:

  1. Don’t get legally married and have a co-parenting agreement in place.
  2. Keep your finances 100% separate, but agree on some sort of monthly budget you provide to her and the kid you have. Legally do your best to have good asset protection practices in place.
  3. Keep two residences. Have one for her and the kid, and a small separate apartment for yourself. Spend several nights a week apart.
  4. Keep the relationship expressly open and have at least one side casual side girl at all times.
  5. Have a signed, enforceable parenting agreement in place that you both sign. She needs to sign up to do the majority of the day to day chores of raising the kid.
  6. Ensure all kids are paternity tested. This means taking a DNA sample at the time of birth and not signing any birth certificate until the kid is proven to be mine.
  7. Choose a woman who has a family that will help in raising the kid.

This may be a tall order. It requires strong frame, good game, and a high degree of financial success.

It’s good to understand that child support is much cheaper in Europe than the US as well.

But if you’re in your late 30’s / early 40’s and have dated a lot of women, you should have the right frame and enough financial success to pull this off.

I’m 44 and yet still not in a hurry. We’ll see what the future holds. But welcome your comments. It’s good to have a plan ready for when the time comes.