As I shared in my recent post on fun memories, this blog is officially a year old.
Hard to believe I managed 36 posts in the space of a year. Clearly I had more to say than I thought.
With no further ado here are the top posts for 2019:
Magnum’s first date model. I wrote this post at Nash’s request and it remains a hot topic. I’ve gotten a lot of positive feedback that this model has helped a lot of men this year. Glad I could help.
The Deepest Red Pill was a summary of my musings on the dark pill, in particular understanding that all relationships have an end date. Clearly I was a bit somber this winter. The positive flip side of this red pill view is that a man can absolutely have relationships on his terms. To me this makes it all worth while.
My reading list of the 15 Best Books for Game came in at number three. To paraphrase Newton, “if I’ve seen further it’s because I’ve stood on the shoulders of giants.”
And rounding out the top five is my post on How to Minimize Flaking. Sigh. If only there were a way to minimize flakes to zero.
I view game as a “sales funnel.” From your value as the “product” to the market you choose (type of girl and the city) to your approach (lead generation), texting (lead nurturing), first date, and close.
It seems the biggest interest out there is on the front end of the “funnel” in the dating process. I suspect this is because every man in the game encounters problems there, well before encountering challenges with retention or God forbid thinking about having kids in a red pill way.
I’ll keep that in mind for future posts.
And as always would welcome any topic requests you may have.
Hard to believe but this New Year’s marks the one year anniversary of this blog. I had a few hours of downtown during the heat of each day while I was adventuring in Bangkok and at Red Quest’s suggestion I took the opportunity to put a few thoughts on there.
I never expected it to be more than a place to share thoughts with just a small circle of guys I know, but without trying to this blog has grown to about 1,000 unique visitors per month. I’m grateful for your interest.
One of the benefits to having this blog is that it helps me capture my thoughts and memories before they fade away off into the ether. It’s a funny thing how the human brain perceives time.
If you do the same thing each day, go to the same place, and spend time with the same people, the years will fly by and you’ll look back at your life a decade later and wonder where the time went.
But instead if you are constantly doing new things, spending time in new places, making new experience, and building relationships with new people, time will actually appear to slow down…in a good way.
This has absolutely been my experience over the past six years since my divorce. I’ve done more things, lived in more places, had more experiences, made more memories, and fucked way more girls than I did in the previous 15 years.
And that’s made the experience of my life seem longer, with more positive experiences in just a few years than many have in a lifetime.
This brings me to a key annual exercise I took from Good Looking Loser. Each year on new year’s I take a bit of time to list out all of the positive, fun memories I’ve had from the prior year.
I make myself do this off the top of my head, no looking at pictures or calendars or notes. Once I’ve drained my brain of everything I can think of I count up the number of memories as a indicator to myself to see if I’m living right.
My own personal goal is to have at least 52 a year…an average of at least one per week. I’m happy to say I’ve easily beat this each year I’ve tried this exercise.
It’s important as a man to not just achieve your goals but also take the time to live your life and make memories. The time goes by much too quickly to not be doing this.
Give it a try and see for yourself.
I’ve listed a few of my fun experiences in 2019 in past posts including:
My first same day lay of the year during a short trip to Kuala Lumpur.
Bringing a girl I dated two years ago when she was 18 back into my rotation this fall. It’s been better the second time around as she’s matured into a nice sweet spot (it helps that she looks like one of my favorite porn stars).
This matters because my goal is life is to maximize by long term happiness. And so building a life for myself that maximizes my happiness in line with how the brain actually works is key to a life of success.
The four brain chemicals that make you happy are:
Dopamine – produces the joy of finding things that meet your needs. This is the reward your brain produces when you achieve a goal.
Endorphin – produces oblivion that masks pain—often called euphoria. This is the reward your brain produces in response to exercise.
Oxytocin – produces the feeling of being safe with others. This is the reward your brain produces with pair bonding.
Serotonin – produces the feeling of being respected by others—pride. This is the reward your brain produces when receiving esteem from others.
That is all we get. Your brain only has these four happiness chemicals.
And your brain only releases these happy chemicals when you take steps towards meeting your needs.
But the challenge with this is that your brain is always looking for the next great way to meet your needs. Old rewards, even creamy, delicious ones, don’t command your brain’s attention. This is called habituation.
So why should we care?
Given the above and how the brain is wired, if we want consistent long term happiness in life we have to constantly be striving towards new goals and making progress in relationships.
It also means we have to constantly mix things up. We habituate quickly to too much of any one stimulus. There is no end game.
Use this knowledge as you will. We all have to find our own way in life, but I can share how I’ve applied this key learning to my own:
Dopamine – the reward for hitting goals
Have a big, challenging but achievable mission in life that will take years to achieve.
Have daily and yearly goals against this mission, to feel the dopamine hits from regular progress.
Always be gaming new women. Even if I find the perfect relationship in life I’ll still need the enjoyment of closing new women.
Endorphins – the euphoric recovery to pain
Work out regularly. Challenge my body several times a week to feel this reward in the recovery.
Oxytocin – the reward for pair bonding
For me this means having one or more regular girls in my life. Women I actually enjoying spending time with beyond just sex.
There is a known players curse that if you just do sport fucks eventually you fall hard and get oneitis for a girl because you’ve been missing out on oxytocin. Don’t fall in to this trap, always have multiple women in your life and at least one that you like enough to pair bond with to some degree.
Cultivate non-sexual relationships with your family, your pets etc where you get pair-bonding beyond the women in your life. Like a portfolio the key is diversification and getting this from multiple sources and not just one.
Serotonin – earned reward from respect
I’ve found this best comes as you earn respect from your peer group. Whether that’s being acknowledged as someone to go to for help and advice, or even by keeping a small blog like this one. Interacting with peers and receiving their genuine respect is the best way I know to earn this one.
The key thing to remember is that these happiness chemicals work just like exercise. You have to find multiple daily sources of all of these things, mixed up on a regular basis. One time events don’t cut it any more than doing one workout makes you fit for life. It has to be a habit.
In addition, you need to be getting your happiness from all four sources and not just one. That is why players who just focus on dopamine fueled rewards just from fucking new girls don’t find happiness and eventually burn out. Like a balanced diet you need multiple sources.
You can use this same happiness model with the women in your life that you want to retain. If you can regularly stimulate all of these happiness chemicals in a girl she will want to be in your life, and this is the secret to retention:
Mix up your dates. Avoid doing the same activity twice, avoid taking her to the same place twice. Keep things fresh.
Future projection – (truthfully) give her detailed scenarios to image of the two of you in the future (for example a trip or future activity) and then over time fulfill the scenario. Give her that gift of anticipation.
Mix up the type of sex you give her. This can even be in the same session. Sometimes rough, sometimes emotional, sometimes in bed, sometimes in a public toilet. Always keep it fresh.
Give her the gift of missing you. Don’t text much when you’re not with her and only see her once a week or less.
The rewards from endorphins explain why women enjoy rough sex and BDSM. I’ve yet to meet a girl who doesn’t love being fucked rough from time to time, if not every time. Be dominant and fuck her good.
If you want a girl to stick around for more than the occasional sport fuck, mix in cuddling and intimacy. This works best during the 20 minutes after sex. If you want her as a regular don’t just jump up after sex, cuddle and talk with her a bit afterwards. It’s a huge hit of oxytocin. If rough sex is the “push” cuddling afterwards is the “pull”.
From time to time acknowledge her uniqueness or something she does that wins your approval. This has to be random to have the best effect. Don’t overdo it – think of Heartiste’s old rule of the golden ratio – giving her 2/3’s of everything she gives you.
There is a negative counterpoint to this as well. Just as doing the above stimulates your happiness chemicals, not doing the above will make you unhappy.
So withdrawing attention and not doing the above for a woman will make her feel the loss of you, and crave having you back.
This is the “Push” in the push/pull dance that is game. It is necessary to avoid habituation. And as the man you need to lead this experience for her. It’s what she craves because it’s how her brain is wired.
And more importantly this means in life if you’re not working towards goals and making progress, not exercising regularly, not pair-bonding with key relationships, not gaming new girls, and not earning the esteem of your peers…..you will be unhappy.
I haven’t been posted much to this blog lately because I’ve been busy pursuing my big goals for the year.
I’ll update here a few memorable vignettes over the past few weeks rather than devote an entire post to each. Some of this I’ve tweeted real time, but here’s what’s been keeping me busy this spring.
I had some setbacks to my health issues in early February which caused me to step back a bit from game and increase my focus on developing and executing a get well plan. It’s a combination of multiple issues (all injury related – I’m a life long contact and endurance sport athlete).
As of late June I do feel I’m back on track. This setback led me to spend March in Europe and also get spine surgery at the end of May (which seems to be helping). I may need one or two more surgeries over the coming months.
The interesting thing is this setback didn’t seem to affect my regulars. I expected to lose some but things continued on the path they were on with my two main regulars even when I wasn’t 100%.
My take away is that strong frame and quality male attention are the bigger priorities for women, and throughout this time I’ve kept an optimistic, positive outlook with them and I believe that was key.
For the last six months of 2018 I did 35 first dates and closed 9 new girls (26%). This was from online game, so if I back out the ones I didn’t want to fuck after I met them the close rate was 64%.
For the first six months of 2019 I only did 19 first dates but I closed 7 of them, plus one long daygame lead from December (37% not including the long lead). The close rate was 70% after backing out the ones I didn’t want to fuck after meeting them.
Also a much higher percentage of they lays here in 2019 were first date lays (32% (6) of my total dates for first half 2019 vs 3% for 2nd half 2018). This is despite me publicly advocating a two date model.
So lower numbers overall due to injury but at the same time my game seems to be getting tighter and more “secret society“.
Here’s a few vignettes from the past six weeks or so:
After my late May surgery I had to take two weeks off of sex, and at the end of that time my two main regulars were traveling out of town. So I went through my old texts and re-opened a daygame lead I met while out daygaming with Nash back in December. I let the lead go cold in March while in Europe, but she was keen when I reopened her in early June and she agreed to meet for a midnight drink after her waitressing shift. After a drink I pulled her to my place nearby and we got down to it very quickly. 30 minutes of fucking and her phone starts blowing up. At this point it’s 2am and I could hear a young man’s voice on the phone – her boyfriend. She calmly told him she on her way home and then we resumed fucking until we finished. I told her it was no big deal, and meant it.
Knowing I’d have a two week dry spell after my surgery I decided to enjoy the weekend prior as if I was going away to prison. I took artsy girl to a party that Thursday night and then enjoyed our weekly long fuck late into the night, spent Friday and Saturday riding a harley around the Marin headlands with Little Me with constant sex breaks at my place as well as sneaking ones in at hidden public places, and then spent Monday night with Santa Cruz girl who was my newest notch at the time. It felt good to do the things I wanted to with the girls I wanted to, completely on my terms.
I cancelled plans an hour before a planned date and nexted Miss Singapore when she tried to take over the reins and veto the date I had planned.
Had a pleasant coffee date with a very cute 19 year old with a sparkly, sexual energy in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday. Bounced her to my place for a makeout, but couldn’t get her past that. She responded positively to my feeler text the next day but then ghosted when I pitched a 2nd date (a trend for me this month….see below)
Had three dates with a tall and sexy 27 year old yoga teacher but couldn’t get her back to my airbnb in New York. I’d have written her off after the 2nd date of not coming back, but she had brought me a gift on the 2nd date and I figured it was just a matter of time. Shouldn’t have broken my date rules, so turned out to be three wasted nights.
Had a good first date with a cute 20 year old blonde in NYC who trains as a dancer. Bounced her to my place and had a good make out but wouldn’t go further. Again a positive response to my feeler text the next day but ghosted after I pitched the date.
Met up with a cute 24 year old Korean girl from online. She tells me at the bar she has a boyfriend within a minute of meeting me. I told her that’s fine and game as usual. Bounced her to my place after two drinks. She refused my first attempt at a kiss but it wasn’t a big deal to me. I tried again 10 minutes later, quick make out on the couch and she’s asking me if I have condoms. After sex she tells me how she likes to take the anal virginity of all of her long term boyfriends (3 to date) using her fingers. She begs them until they give in. She doesn’t enjoy it but says she wants to take something from them no one else has (read: major shit test). We share a good laugh over it.
Have a great afternoon of sex with the 18 year old I closed during my January trip to NYC, my first time with her since that trip. She has to rush home at 10pm so her mom doesn’t find out about our little fling.
Have a fun date with a 22 year old New York model. Did drinks at two venues and bounced to my airbnb. She wouldn’t come up (photo shoot and TV audition the next day) but we make out late at night in the street. Again, a positive response to my feeler text the next day but ghosted after I pitched a date. This time I suspect it was “logistics fatigue” (an apt term Red Quest coined tonight over drinks here in NYC) in that she splits time in two different cities and my guess is the days I pitched didn’t work for her schedule. This was a shame because the chemistry was very good.
Had a great birthday dinner with Runner, Highgame NYC, and J here in NYC. Was a great welcome to the city for my current trip here this June.
Took Little Me to the Torture Garden party here in NYC (hat tip to Troy Francis). We were already feeling sexual after fucking before and after dinner, but this party took it up a notch. Finally an attractive BDSM crowd dressed very well with surreal acts being performed in a club like environment. The whole scene was cinematic. We both rolled at the party which kept us up fucking until 5am in the morning. We’ve been intentionally deepening our bond since the opening up we experienced on our acid trip back in February. Our bond was deepening before that but we’ve intentionally accelerated this year and it’s been a very positive experience.
Pulled together a great dinner with Runner, Mr V, Longburnthefire, and J while in NYC. Also had a chance to meet up with Red Quest. Nothing beats getting together with like minded men.
So despite the health set backs it’s been a good spring. My overall take away is that frame really is king.
It seems inevitable. With few exceptions when a player’s been in the game long enough, he starts thinking about settling down in some way or at least having kids.
Guys like Paul Janka have settled in to long term relationships to have kids, and even Krauser mentions in his latest video his goal now is to settle down and have a family.
Maybe there’s a male biological clock of some kind. Maybe the dopamine highs of fucking new girls fades, while at the same time players miss the oxytocin hits of pair-bonding. Or maybe there comes the inevitable realization that life is short and it’s time to leave a legacy of some kind.
Regardless the reason I believe it’s worth thinking about and planning for, so when the desire to have kids comes around you have a plan for how you’ll approach it.
The Red Quest has an excellent long post on his thoughts around having kids the red pill way. As a red pill player and father, I find he has a very good perspective and it’s got me thinking about the subject.
It’s clear that modern marriage in the West no longer works. With a marriage contract, you sign away the rights to have your assets if either of you decided to end it, with no upside.
If that’s not enough, my own experience from my 13 year marriage and the many relationships I’ve observed is that if you live together with a woman, her desire to have sex with you instinctively goes away after 2-3 years. In my experience as well this can be deferred if you don’t live with her and spend plenty of time apart.
I’m not yet at the point where I want to have kids. But one of my realizations on a recent acid trip is that I do want them at some point. I’d also say I have a keener understanding of my mortality than most do as well given my chronic pain and injuries that are a daily reminder I’m past my prime physically.
Modern marriage doesn’t work. Living together with a woman also doesn’t work, at least for me. So given all this, what’s the right structure in which to have a kid?
I believe there is no one answer and it depends on the man and what he wants. I don’t have it figured out, but my current thoughts are this:
Don’t get legally married and have a co-parenting agreement in place.
Keep your finances 100% separate, but agree on some sort of monthly budget you provide to her and the kid you have. Legally do your best to have good asset protection practices in place.
Keep two residences. Have one for her and the kid, and a small separate apartment for yourself. Spend several nights a week apart.
Keep the relationship expressly open and have at least one side casual side girl at all times.
Have a signed, enforceable parenting agreement in place that you both sign. She needs to sign up to do the majority of the day to day chores of raising the kid.
Ensure all kids are paternity tested. This means taking a DNA sample at the time of birth and not signing any birth certificate until the kid is proven to be mine.
Choose a woman who has a family that will help in raising the kid.
This may be a tall order. It requires strong frame, good game, and a high degree of financial success.
It’s good to understand that child support is much cheaper in Europe than the US as well.
But if you’re in your late 30’s / early 40’s and have dated a lot of women, you should have the right frame and enough financial success to pull this off.
I’m 44 and yet still not in a hurry. We’ll see what the future holds. But welcome your comments. It’s good to have a plan ready for when the time comes.
Last year I did my first ayahuasca ceremony, in part due to the encouragement of Goldmund. Although not life changing and I didn’t commune with God the way everyone else there claimed to, it was a positive experience and I came away mentally stronger and more calm.
I remember the shaman given me a extra dose beyond what he gave everyone else “for my life” as he said. Ayahuasca has been shown to strengthen your cerebral cortex, which seems consistent with my experience.
One of the effects of the ayahuasca was that I lost the desire to do drugs. The years prior I’d done my share of experimentation, all part of this exploring and optimization phase of my life. For the past 5 years I’ve been relentlessly trying new things as I take on what works and optimizes the life that I want for myself.
I also learned from the ceremony the importance of going into a psychedelic trip with intent, and the need to lead the experience to ensure it’s a positive one. And I took that experience into my past weekend.
Little me and I enjoyed another fun little weekend this time having done a night kayaking trip to see the bioluminescence up at Tamales bay. It was definitely worth the trip, I’ll always remember the shine of the bioluminescence trailing off my paddle while the shine of the stars in the pure night sky twinkled above. The black of the water and the the black of the sky seemed to merge, it was as if I was paddling across the night sky.
Of course, Little me and I enjoyed some spontaneous sex in the back seat of my car on the way up on a quiet country road. Life is best when you enjoy positive experiences in spontaneous ways, so that is always seems fresh.
The next day were were enjoying Sunday brunch and rolling with the vibe we decided to do an acid trip for the afternoon and see where it led. We were both feeling good and we brought this feeling into the trip, which is key.
It took about an hour for the LSD to hit and I took us for a walk along the Embarcadero as it started to intensify. It’s best to enjoy outside stimulation in a positive environment, and we wandered around the city including the SFMOMA and its gift shop to play with the toys before heading back to mine. All the while I was in control and leading.
Here’s where it got interesting. Once on my couch and not moving we could feel the trip stronger than when moving. The vibe of the house music I was playing set a sensual tone and we started kissing.
I can’t properly describe the experience verbally by saying how close we felt, as if our bodies merged as one in perfect tune with each other. She was completely immersed and orgasmed over and over again. It was extra easy for me to feel her response, make her edge, and then push her over the top. I led the experience verbally with her, leading our minds together. All the while I could feel the music and also enjoy the visuals when I closed my eyes.
It was the most completely immersive experience both sexually and mentally in how we connected. Little me and I felt especially close the next day. I very much like how our connection was further strengthened.
I’ve been with plenty of women and I’ve experimented with most drugs. So I’m not sure what made this trip so much better. Little me and I have a very strong connection and sexual chemistry, and I was able to build on that. The ayahuasca trip last year taught me how to control even the most intense of experiences, and this one came naturally and easily.
This is what I want from life. The internalized knowledge of what is best, and the ability to use that to make the best experiences for myself and those I care about.
As always welcome your thoughts and comments below.
I find the transient nature of relationships to be the darkest red of the red pill
I was married for 13 years. I believe the reason we lasted so long was that I truly believed we loved each other. It was only when I saw after all those years that she did not love me for who I am, but rather for what I could do for her, that I choose to leave her.
It’s driven by biology. Nature sets us up with infatuation to pair bond for a couple of years tops to make a baby, and then there is some sort of internal mechanism that causes women to eventually tire of a man as a lover and look elsewhere for a new source of DNA, in order to diversify her offspring and maximize her chances of passing on her genes.
It can be painful for men to accept this because even no matter how tight your game is, no matter how much a girl is in to you, at some point she will eventually move on.
There is no end game, there is no one girl that will be your “ride or die” girl for life. I find this transient nature to be the darkest red of the red pill.
I believe this is why most men, even experienced players, close their eyes to reality and entertain romantic fantasies such as “this girl is different from all the rest,” and why men have unfounded purity fantasies of some girls being “good girls” and some girls being “bad girls”.
It’s completely false. All women are out to get good DNA at points in their life, while keeping up the good girl front so they can eventually win over a provider. It’s nature’s way, I don’t blame women one bit.
But there is no ideal situation for men. We are not the choosers when it comes to sex. Instead we can either:
1. Go for pair bonding and a relationship knowing that there is a shelf life of just a few years of passion. She may stay with you and she may not even cheat, but her passion for you will die.
2. Or have ongoing one night stands and harems with girls that come and go from your life over time.
For me, the short to medium term harem option is the best trade off. I create a portfolio of sex and affection. If and when any one girls spins out of my orbit, I have others to keep up the slack. And all the while I work to bring new girls into the mix.
The trade off is that transient nature of it can be tough, especially when girls you like spin off. But then again everything in life is transient.
This is why men need to be internally referenced – have a larger mission in life besides relationships – if we’re to avoid falling back into the blue pill trap like the men in the Atlantic article.