It seems inevitable. With few exceptions when a player’s been in the game long enough, he starts thinking about settling down in some way or at least having kids.
Guys like Paul Janka have settled in to long term relationships to have kids, and even Krauser mentions in his latest video his goal now is to settle down and have a family.
Maybe there’s a male biological clock of some kind. Maybe the dopamine highs of fucking new girls fades, while at the same time players miss the oxytocin hits of pair-bonding. Or maybe there comes the inevitable realization that life is short and it’s time to leave a legacy of some kind.
Regardless the reason I believe it’s worth thinking about and planning for, so when the desire to have kids comes around you have a plan for how you’ll approach it.
The Red Quest has an excellent long post on his thoughts around having kids the red pill way. As a red pill player and father, I find he has a very good perspective and it’s got me thinking about the subject.
It’s clear that modern marriage in the West no longer works. With a marriage contract, you sign away the rights to have your assets if either of you decided to end it, with no upside.
If that’s not enough, my own experience from my 13 year marriage and the many relationships I’ve observed is that if you live together with a woman, her desire to have sex with you instinctively goes away after 2-3 years. In my experience as well this can be deferred if you don’t live with her and spend plenty of time apart.
I’m not yet at the point where I want to have kids. But one of my realizations on a recent acid trip is that I do want them at some point. I’d also say I have a keener understanding of my mortality than most do as well given my chronic pain and injuries that are a daily reminder I’m past my prime physically.
Modern marriage doesn’t work. Living together with a woman also doesn’t work, at least for me. So given all this, what’s the right structure in which to have a kid?
I believe there is no one answer and it depends on the man and what he wants. I don’t have it figured out, but my current thoughts are this:
Don’t get legally married and have a co-parenting agreement in place.
Keep your finances 100% separate, but agree on some sort of monthly budget you provide to her and the kid you have. Legally do your best to have good asset protection practices in place.
Keep two residences. Have one for her and the kid, and a small separate apartment for yourself. Spend several nights a week apart.
Keep the relationship expressly open and have at least one side casual side girl at all times.
This may be a tall order. It requires strong frame, good game, and a high degree of financial success.
But if you’re in your late 30’s / early 40’s and have dated a lot of women, you should have the right frame and enough financial success to pull this off.
I’m 44 and yet still not in a hurry. We’ll see what the future holds. But welcome your comments. It’s good to have a plan ready for when the time comes.
Last year I did my first ayahuasca ceremony, in part due to the encouragement of Goldmund. Although not life changing and I didn’t commune with God the way everyone else there claimed to, it was a positive experience and I came away mentally stronger and more calm.
I remember the shaman given me a extra dose beyond what he gave everyone else “for my life” as he said. Ayahuasca has been shown to strengthen your cerebral cortex, which seems consistent with my experience.
One of the effects of the ayahuasca was that I lost the desire to do drugs. The years prior I’d done my share of experimentation, all part of this exploring and optimization phase of my life. For the past 5 years I’ve been relentlessly trying new things as I take on what works and optimizes the life that I want for myself.
I also learned from the ceremony the importance of going into a psychedelic trip with intent, and the need to lead the experience to ensure it’s a positive one. And I took that experience into my past weekend.
Little me and I enjoyed another fun little weekend this time having done a night kayaking trip to see the bioluminescence up at Tamales bay. It was definitely worth the trip, I’ll always remember the shine of the bioluminescence trailing off my paddle while the shine of the stars in the pure night sky twinkled above. The black of the water and the the black of the sky seemed to merge, it was as if I was paddling across the night sky.
Of course, Little me and I enjoyed some spontaneous sex in the back seat of my car on the way up on a quiet country road. Life is best when you enjoy positive experiences in spontaneous ways, so that is always seems fresh.
The next day were were enjoying Sunday brunch and rolling with the vibe we decided to do an acid trip for the afternoon and see where it led. We were both feeling good and we brought this feeling into the trip, which is key.
It took about an hour for the LSD to hit and I took us for a walk along the Embarcadero as it started to intensify. It’s best to enjoy outside stimulation in a positive environment, and we wandered around the city including the SFMOMA and its gift shop to play with the toys before heading back to mine. All the while I was in control and leading.
Here’s where it got interesting. Once on my couch and not moving we could feel the trip stronger than when moving. The vibe of the house music I was playing set a sensual tone and we started kissing.
I can’t properly describe the experience verbally by saying how close we felt, as if our bodies merged as one in perfect tune with each other. She was completely immersed and orgasmed over and over again. It was extra easy for me to feel her response, make her edge, and then push her over the top. I led the experience verbally with her, leading our minds together. All the while I could feel the music and also enjoy the visuals when I closed my eyes.
It was the most completely immersive experience both sexually and mentally in how we connected. Little me and I felt especially close the next day. I very much like how our connection was further strengthened.
I’ve been with plenty of women and I’ve experimented with most drugs. So I’m not sure what made this trip so much better. Little me and I have a very strong connection and sexual chemistry, and I was able to build on that. The ayahuasca trip last year taught me how to control even the most intense of experiences, and this one came naturally and easily.
This is what I want from life. The internalized knowledge of what is best, and the ability to use that to make the best experiences for myself and those I care about.
As always welcome your thoughts and comments below.
I find the transient nature of relationships to be the darkest red of the red pill
I was married for 13 years. I believe the reason we lasted so long was that I truly believed we loved each other. It was only when I saw after all those years that she did not love me for who I am, but rather for what I could do for her, that I choose to leave her.
It’s driven by biology. Nature sets us up with infatuation to pair bond for a couple of years tops to make a baby, and then there is some sort of internal mechanism that causes women to eventually tire of a man as a lover and look elsewhere for a new source of DNA, in order to diversify her offspring and maximize her chances of passing on her genes.
It can be painful for men to accept this because even no matter how tight your game is, no matter how much a girl is in to you, at some point she will eventually move on.
There is no end game, there is no one girl that will be your “ride or die” girl for life. I find this transient nature to be the darkest red of the red pill.
I believe this is why most men, even experienced players, close their eyes to reality and entertain romantic fantasies such as “this girl is different from all the rest,” and why men have unfounded purity fantasies of some girls being “good girls” and some girls being “bad girls”.
It’s completely false. All women are out to get good DNA at points in their life, while keeping up the good girl front so they can eventually win over a provider. It’s nature’s way, I don’t blame women one bit.
But there is no ideal situation for men. We are not the choosers when it comes to sex. Instead we can either:
1. Go for pair bonding and a relationship knowing that there is a shelf life of just a few years of passion. She may stay with you and she may not even cheat, but her passion for you will die.
2. Or have ongoing one night stands and harems with girls that come and go from your life over time.
For me, the short to medium term harem option is the best trade off. I create a portfolio of sex and affection. If and when any one girls spins out of my orbit, I have others to keep up the slack. And all the while I work to bring new girls into the mix.
The trade off is that transient nature of it can be tough, especially when girls you like spin off. But then again everything in life is transient.
This is why men need to be internally referenced – have a larger mission in life besides relationships – if we’re to avoid falling back into the blue pill trap like the men in the Atlantic article.
One of my big focus areas these past three years has been harem building and retention. It’s a type of pimp game in that you bring the girl into your orbit, consciously build her attachment to you, and shape her into what you want her to be.
For me this is a sweet spot in the “r/K” or “lover/provider” spectrum. You build a connection with the girls in your rotation, often over months and sometimes years, but you have your freedom to be with other women as you please.
Bringing a girl into your rotation is like training a puppy, you reward and punish behaviors to enforce behavior. You lead her through a range of experiences, most importantly good sex, to get her hooked. It’s also important that your frame is 100% consistent with that of being a lover and you don’t slide into “boyfriend” behaviors or show signs of weakness.
Iceberg slim’s autobiography has good examples, especially the advice he gets from the experienced pimp named Sweet. And women do their own competing form instinctively as the process of “Betacization” As a man you have to be leading with your own relationship game or you will instead fall into the woman’s frame.
“A good pimp is always really alone. You gotta always be a puzzle, a mystery to them. That’s how you hold a whore. Don’t get sour. Tell them something new and confusing every day. You can hold ’em as long as you can do it.”
“A pimp is the loneliest bastard on Earth. He’s gotta know his whores. He can’t let them know him. He’s gotta be God all the way.”
Sweet, from Iceberg Slim’s “Pimp”
These are the best quotes from that book and there’s a lot of game in this. To keep regular girls with who know you’re sleeping with other girls and get zero drama, you’ve got to have a 100% strong frame. You’ve got to be mysterious. You only see them once a week or less. You only text 1-2 times a week. And when you see them you fuck them good.
But to really convert her, you give her a range of emotions. You introduce her to new experiences inside and outside of the bedroom. You use BDSM and dirty talk to spike her emotions and connect with you. Occasionally you introduce a bit of controlled drama to give her the rollercoaster of emotions. You continue to escalate the compliance ladder with her inside and outside the bedroom to ensure she’s fully invested. Conversion is an art.
Converting a girl to you can be dark or light depending on what you want to do, which is why it’s rarely talked about. This same process could be used to pimp out certain girls like in the book or to get yourself a sugarmama, but I’ve focused on it as way to build relationships on my terms. Creating wonderful, concurrent open relationships and life experiences with a variety of girls who’s company I enjoy.
Women get their agency through men, and they look for the right man to make the experiences and life that they want. Myself, I look for girls who want to this experience. To discover themselves and the world, sexually and otherwise. I’m the experienced man of the world who shows them the way.
I’ve enjoyed seeing how girls blossom into what I want them to be all the while they enjoy the experience. This is the same plot-line of romance novels, although with the fantasy in the end that the heroine wins the player over exclusively. Women want you to be the man. To lead. To be “daddy”.
As a man you have to know how to lead them through this nature to create something positive for both of you. This is the “dance” I’ve alluded to in the past.
The girl I call “Little me” ghost wrote an essay about me and told me about it so I could find it (she ghost wrote it via the author who’s actually pictured, Alexandria Brown, who is not Little Me). It’s as good an example of how a woman truly wants to feel – the unsure excitement of whether or not she can win over a high value man:
I like complicated. I like dark. I like mysteries that need unraveling. I like you. I like everything you bring to the table even though all you can give me is a few late nights and never any early mornings. I like not knowing where this is going and if I’m ever going to see you again. I’m addicted to the rush that comes along with getting you every once in a while. It excites me.
Don’t be fooled. This turmoil is what a woman truly wants. Sexually I’ve seen how much women crave being dominated and submitting to a worthy man. It’s no different emotionally. But it has to be with the right balance.
These ongoing non-monogamous mini relationships have been the highlight of my life in game. Far more than crazy game stories on how I managed to close a girl or one night stands. I see this as my sweet spot.
Both the girl and I get great sex, positive experiences, and good memories. I get the freedom and variety I need as a man, but also gives me an outlet for the “affection addiction” that causes so many players to retire from the game.
After this recent three week trip to New York I’m wondering if my desire to focus on this aspect of game came from the fact that SF is such a poor dating market for men. It can take weeks for me to find girls who fit the bill above, and so when I do I want to ensure I manage the (open) relationship well.
It may be tempting to go more “r” selected on the spectrum and just do one night stands when I move to NY. But I don’t see myself going away from keeping 2-3 regular girls in my life (even while I enjoy regularly finding sport fucks on the side).
I’m glad I spent the time in SF that I did. I don’t think it’s likely I’d have consciously focused on this skillset if I’d been in an easy city like NY.
These have been some of the most fulfilling relationships I’ve ever had, even as these women come and go from my life over time.
Every new year’s day I do an annual exercise where I sit and write out all of the positive memories I’ve had from the past year. I don’t let myself look at my calendar and I have to do it all in one go. This accomplishes a couple of things.
First, it’s an annual barometer of how well I’m living my life. If I don’t have at least fifty positive memories from the previous year I’m not living right. Secondly it’s a great reminder of just how amazing life is and it reinforces a positive mental picture of my life’s story.
Today I realized I only just started writing this blog one month ago, thanks to the positive encouragement of Pancake Mouse, the Red Quest, and Nash. They have definitely been right.
On the one hand the last 30 days have felt like business as usual. But taking a moment to look back I realize it’s been a pretty fucking amazing start to the year. This past month I’ve been to two new countries, and slept with five new girls in addition to three of my regulars.
I’ve written 19 posts including some I’m especially proud of such as my first date model and my thoughts on that there is no “end game” for men. In the past few weeks I’ve been in 95 degree tropical heat and now 4 degree freezing cold here in New York and everything in between.
I’m sitting in the San Francisco airport waiting out a weather delay on my flight to NYC. I’ll be staying at an airbnb there for the next three weeks in the my neighborhood of choice.
I’m flying into a snowstorm and not a lot of people would choose to leave a warm winter city like SF to spend three weeks in the snow and cold, especially since I’ve barely gotten over the jetlag from spending three weeks abroad in Cambodia, Thailand, and Malaysia.
But I’m a man on a mission to find a better home base that SF and after all my recent travels the past two years NYC is my leading candidate for now.
The recent trip to Southeast Asia was successful for me since I was able to rule out that region as a place I would enjoy living, despite my success with women there. It’s simply too hot and uncomfortable, and you end up spending all of your time indoors at malls to avoid the heat.
I’ve been all over the US and Western Europe (I lived in London for two years and traveled weekly in Europe and the Middle East for work), and from the hundreds of trips to those cities I can safely say NYC is the only city I enjoy at least as much as my native SF. I’ve been to NY five times, including three times in the last two years, but I’ve never been for more than a week and I’ve never been in the dead of winter.
The purpose of this trip is to put New York to the test. If I enjoy in the dead of winter as much as I have on past trips then I will make the move in August when my lease in SF expires.
Here are the advantages I see with New York over SF:
It’s a bigger city with more to do, and a bigger dating pool.
It has the best male / female ratio of any large city in the US. I’ve experienced this first hand…I got closed three new girls in 5 days during my last trip to NY in May. I’ve also gone on dates (but didn’t close) with working models in NY. These girls simple don’t exist in SF.
NY is the best US city for daygame.
NY has a lot of attractive girls from Eastern Europe which are my favorite. These girls barely exist in SF.
I’ve lived in San Francisco for five years now and frankly it’s feeling a bit too familiar. I’ve got memories on almost every single corner.
NY puts me closer to Eastern Europe, where I will be exploring for alternative home bases over the next few years. I will be in Krakow and Prague in May, with more trips to come.
I work remotely so there is no impact to me professionally, but the timezone will actually make my job easier.
Here are the downsides that I see:
I will have to let go of two of my best regulars of all time, something I’m prepared to do. Nothing lasts forever.
The cost of living is about the same as SF, so I don’t get the improved cash flow that I would if I were to move to just about any other city in the world. I’ll be analyzing the tax impacts this tax season to confirm this.
There may be more tradeoffs I’m not aware of. But this seems like a good tradeoff for me right now. I’ve moved five times within SF in the five years I’ve been divorced as I’ve been experimenting with what works best for me. So this move is a natural extension of the path I’ve been on.
As usual I’ve got a pipeline of five dates scheduled for the first three days I’m there with more to come. I’ll be meeting up with several of my NYC friends while I’m there as well, including for some daygame sessions. It should be a good trip despite the cold.
I had the privilege of being one of the men that the Red Quest asked to provide input on the manuscript for his book, “Sex Clubs, Non-Monogamy, and Game“. He’s finished the book in part with my input and is now giving the book away for free (downloadable at the link).
It’s a unique book based on his years of experience in the sex club / swinger scene in his city. In the first half of the book he covers why a man would want to include sex clubs as part of his game, and in the second half of the book he shares lots of specific examples from his own dating life.
Personally I haven’t had direct experience with sex clubs. I’ve had FFM threesomes, and I once took a 22 year old I was dating to a sex club here in San Francisco. But we left after 10 minutes, the club was slow and frankly we didn’t like the looks of anyone else there. So I was curious to read Red Quest’s take on this scene and how to integrate it into non-monogamous relationship management.
As I’ve written about here and here, it’s your role as a man to lead your woman. Lead her experience and take her to places she’s never been before. Doing this right I’ve been able to keep the attractive women I want in my life, without having to promise monogamy. Women want to be lead by an exciting lover as a means for them to experience the world. And I can see from “Sex Clubs, Non-Monogamy, and Game” that sex clubs could be part of your larger game in doing this leading…if you had the skills and inclination.
After reading this book, here are the positives I see for bringing your girls to sex clubs:
you frame yourself as top tier lover because you’ve opened her to experiences she’s only fantasized about but would never make happen on her own
her attraction for you can increase as she watches you fuck other girls (preselection at its most primal)
you can leverage her for variety both by swapping her with other couples and also having her recruit other girls for you
the sex club scene in your city becomes a long term “ecosystem” / social circle you can leverage for constantly finding new partners – if you have the social savvy and sex skills to be a top-tier guy in the sex club scene in your city
Here are the downsides I see:
I doubt most guys can pull this off – this is advanced level game and your looks, game, and sex skills need to be on point. You need a strong frame and ability to lead
other guys will try and poach your girl
you have to manage not just your relationship with the girl you bring but your relationship with the other couples you play with
most guys won’t enjoy watching “their” girl fuck other guys…even if it means they get to fuck other girls at the same time
From my very limited experience in San Francisco I’m not convinced there are many attractive women in the sex club scene (I’m picky and prefer petite college aged girls)
I think this is a worthwhile read to any one who’s had some curiosity about the sex club world. There’s value here in reading about Red Quest’s advanced level game in action, even if all you’re looking to do is merge girls you’re already dating into a FFM threesome with you.