Flakes. I can’t think of another topic that gets men more upset when it comes to dating.
You approach. You do the work. You get her number. You text her. You’re charming. She’s getting quality attention and validation from you, even as you keep your game tight. You schedule a date. You block out the time on you calendar which is time you could have used to date another girl instead.
She texts you right before that she can’t make it based on some lame excuse.
Or worse yet you show up to the date venue and she never does.
Is there anything more frustrating?
Last week for example I had 3 flakes out of 6 dates scheduled. And 2 of the 3 girls who didn’t flake were regulars.
Keep in mind I’m in my mid 40’s and these girls are in the 18-23 year old range, and in an American city where there are quite a bit more men than women. I’ve found flake rates go way down with women closer to you in age as well as in cities with a better ratio.
Yes women are random and some of the flaking is due to random shit that comes up. But there’s also a method to the randomness. Girls are filtering for their best option, both between men as well as social options.
Girl subconsciously filter men based on a man’s internal character – is he good enough to get past my roadblocks? And girls “womb guard”. They know if you spend enough time with them alone there’s a chance you’ll put your DNA in her so subconsciously they need to feel you are worthy.
Women also are constantly considering you against the other men she has access to and frankly you need her to feel you’re her best option.
So what’s a man to do?
There will always be a degree of flaking in your dating life. It’s unavoidable. But in my experience the best approach is twofold:
- Be the best alternative you can be compared to all her other options
- Have an alternative as good as a date with her in the event she flakes
Let me break it down.
1. Being her best alternative is something you can influence, but can’t control. You do this through standard game techniques:
- Ping text a few hours after you get her number (her response here is one of the biggest indicators you’ll get of her interest).
- Try to minimize time between when you get her number and when you schedule the date. For every day between your odds of flaking go up.
- Once your date is scheduled, continue to text her every 1-2 days to keep her interested. Mix it up and keep it interesting. Share “windows to your world” (mini DHV’s). Mildly tease her and occasionally spike things up. Avoid becoming her text buddy but give her enough to remember the real person you are. This means combining attraction and comfort material.
- If you meet her online, or if it will be a few days before you can actually meet, suggest a short phone or video chat. Keep it short (less than 10 minutes), tease her but also throw in comfort. This is essentially a mini first date. Be sure to be the one to end the call first (you’re a man in demand).
- Send a reminder text the day before or the day of the date. Don’t ask “are we still on?” That is weak. Instead show confidence that she will be there with something like, “Hey miss trouble. Looking forward to meeting you tomorrow at Bar X at 9. Be sure to dress cute, so we match ;)” (hat tip Krauser).
- Schedule dates for times when girls have less alternative activities. My favorite nights for first dates are Tuesday and Wednesday, followed by Monday. Girls like to lay low Sunday night (high flake rate) and Thursday through Saturday night are often out with friends to bars or dating other guys they know better. I tend to schedule dates for girls I haven’t yet fucked for Monday – Wednesday and for regulars Thursday through Saturday.
- Keep in mind I mostly date women 18-23. Older women may only be free Thursday – Saturday night due to responsibilities. So know your target demographic and the times when they are most free.
- There are times of the year when women flake more or are less interested in meeting new men. Summer (especially August) is a horrible time to get girls out because of constant parties and travel. Likewise the holidays are the worst time of year for meeting and gaming new girls.
- Conversely, January through March and also September through October are my absolute favorite times to game. Girls are back in school from holidays and travel, and are often looking to meet new guys as they shed their last relationship. There’s an annual ebb and flow.
- Some girls have random schedules, so flexibility helps. If you can, be willing to do afternoon coffee dates or drinks at random times.
- Double book. If you’re on a trip and only have a few nights in town, or if your city is especially flaky for some reason, double book. Worst case you end up having to be the one that flakes (happened to me on a NYC trip this year).
- You can stagger dates. Fore example you can have a Friday date #1 afternoon coffee date, Friday date #2 drinks at 6pm, and a Friday date #3 drinks at 8:30pm. If one or even two flake it’s no big deal.
- I find younger women (18-23) are more flakey than older women. In part because they’re young but also in part because the prospect of meeting an established older man makes them nervous, even if they’re highly attracted. It’s out of their comfort zone. To balance this out, consider doing a bit more texting and comfort with girls much younger than you. I don’t recommend sexual escalation with younger girls until you’ve already done attraction and comfort with them in person on a date and are ready to isolate for the close.
- Don’t get too sexual before the first date, especially if you meet her online. It’s often a thirst trap. I find it’s far better to mix teasing and fun banter with comfort and DHV’s. Save the sexting for girls you’re already fucking.
- Don’t get too invested in any one girl. Yes you will like some more than others. But dating is a numbers game and you can control the process but not the outcome with any one girl (Dating is a pipeline just like the sales pipeline in business – since I started tracking in 2016 I’ve had dates with 35% of the girls I got a number from and I’ve had sex with 33% of the girls I’ve had a date with.)
I’d welcome your additional thoughts and tactics in the comments.
Doing those things will help reduce the odds of flakes, but even at best you can only influence things. Flakes will happen.
But there’s a much larger element that you can directly control that will determine how frustrated you actually are when the inevitable flakes happen. Which brings me to:
2. Have an alternative as good as a date with her in the event she flakes
Have important goals in your life beyond girls. If the only thing you’ve got going on in your life besides a boring day job is banging girls on the side, of course you’re going to get upset when the girls fall through.
Instead, set meaningful goals and have outside interests beyond paying the bills and dating. This could be building up a side business, writing a book, DJ-ing at local clubs, or spending time with family and friends. Whatever your goals are, they have to be meaningful to you and inspire passion.
The point is to have a larger life than just girls. You want to be at a place in your life where if a girl flakes on a given night you can say to yourself, “cool, now I can keep working on project xyz instead”.
Personally I view women like good nutrition. If you’re bad with women you will not be happy, just like if you don’t eat well you will look like shit. But being good with women and having them in your life, although extremely rewarding, is not enough on its own to make you happy. Just like having good nutrition and a good physique is not enough by itself. You need a well rounded life to be happy.
Finally, it helps to have regular girls. The three flakes I experienced last week would have been much more painful if I didn’t have dates lined up with my two regulars where I knew I’d be getting plenty of sex. Yes it’s easier said than done, but here’s my post on how to best keep women in your life on an ongoing basis.