One of my big focus areas these past three years has been harem building and retention. It’s a type of pimp game in that you bring the girl into your orbit, consciously build her attachment to you, and shape her into what you want her to be.
For me this is a sweet spot in the “r/K” or “lover/provider” spectrum. You build a connection with the girls in your rotation, often over months and sometimes years, but you have your freedom to be with other women as you please.
Bringing a girl into your rotation is like training a puppy, you reward and punish behaviors to enforce behavior. You lead her through a range of experiences, most importantly good sex, to get her hooked. It’s also important that your frame is 100% consistent with that of being a lover and you don’t slide into “boyfriend” behaviors or show signs of weakness.
Iceberg slim’s autobiography has good examples, especially the advice he gets from the experienced pimp named Sweet. And women do their own competing form instinctively as the process of “Betacization” As a man you have to be leading with your own relationship game or you will instead fall into the woman’s frame.
“A good pimp is always really alone. You gotta always be a puzzle, a mystery to them. That’s how you hold a whore. Don’t get sour. Tell them something new and confusing every day. You can hold ’em as long as you can do it.”Sweet, from Iceberg Slim’s “Pimp”
“A pimp is the loneliest bastard on Earth. He’s gotta know his whores. He can’t let them know him. He’s gotta be God all the way.”
These are the best quotes from that book and there’s a lot of game in this. To keep regular girls with who know you’re sleeping with other girls and get zero drama, you’ve got to have a 100% strong frame. You’ve got to be mysterious. You only see them once a week or less. You only text 1-2 times a week. And when you see them you fuck them good.
But to really convert her, you give her a range of emotions. You introduce her to new experiences inside and outside of the bedroom. You use BDSM and dirty talk to spike her emotions and connect with you. Occasionally you introduce a bit of controlled drama to give her the rollercoaster of emotions. You continue to escalate the compliance ladder with her inside and outside the bedroom to ensure she’s fully invested. Conversion is an art.
Converting a girl to you can be dark or light depending on what you want to do, which is why it’s rarely talked about. This same process could be used to pimp out certain girls like in the book or to get yourself a sugarmama, but I’ve focused on it as way to build relationships on my terms. Creating wonderful, concurrent open relationships and life experiences with a variety of girls who’s company I enjoy.
Women get their agency through men, and they look for the right man to make the experiences and life that they want. Myself, I look for girls who want to this experience. To discover themselves and the world, sexually and otherwise. I’m the experienced man of the world who shows them the way.
I’ve enjoyed seeing how girls blossom into what I want them to be all the while they enjoy the experience. This is the same plot-line of romance novels, although with the fantasy in the end that the heroine wins the player over exclusively. Women want you to be the man. To lead. To be “daddy”.
As a man you have to know how to lead them through this nature to create something positive for both of you. This is the “dance” I’ve alluded to in the past.
The girl I call “Little me” ghost wrote an essay about me and told me about it so I could find it (she ghost wrote it via the author who’s actually pictured, Alexandria Brown, who is not Little Me). It’s as good an example of how a woman truly wants to feel – the unsure excitement of whether or not she can win over a high value man:
I like complicated. I like dark. I like mysteries that need unraveling. I like you. I like everything you bring to the table even though all you can give me is a few late nights and never any early mornings. I like not knowing where this is going and if I’m ever going to see you again. I’m addicted to the rush that comes along with getting you every once in a while. It excites me.
“Little Me” writing about yours truly makes her feel. Do read the whole thing.
Don’t be fooled. This turmoil is what a woman truly wants. Sexually I’ve seen how much women crave being dominated and submitting to a worthy man. It’s no different emotionally. But it has to be with the right balance.
These ongoing non-monogamous mini relationships have been the highlight of my life in game. Far more than crazy game stories on how I managed to close a girl or one night stands. I see this as my sweet spot.
Both the girl and I get great sex, positive experiences, and good memories. I get the freedom and variety I need as a man, but also gives me an outlet for the “affection addiction” that causes so many players to retire from the game.
After this recent three week trip to New York I’m wondering if my desire to focus on this aspect of game came from the fact that SF is such a poor dating market for men. It can take weeks for me to find girls who fit the bill above, and so when I do I want to ensure I manage the (open) relationship well.
It may be tempting to go more “r” selected on the spectrum and just do one night stands when I move to NY. But I don’t see myself going away from keeping 2-3 regular girls in my life (even while I enjoy regularly finding sport fucks on the side).
I’m glad I spent the time in SF that I did. I don’t think it’s likely I’d have consciously focused on this skillset if I’d been in an easy city like NY.
These have been some of the most fulfilling relationships I’ve ever had, even as these women come and go from my life over time.